I Really Need To Stop Doing This

I honestly don't know why I do this to myself. Maybe it's because I'm a writer, and thus have an inexorable drive to make up stories out of thin air. Maybe it's just because I subscribe to the old mantra: if one is good, two must be even better, right?

Either way, I really probably should stop doing this. But I can't. And thus...

I am probably doomed to continue making weird, unlikely crossovers.

For those who don't know, a crossover is basically a fusion of two stories. Some crossovers happen naturally--when the stories are similar (i.e. Star Trek and Star Wars) or when they take place in the same universe (Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit). But then there are those crossovers that... don't.

Those are the types of crossovers I like to create.

You know, I once mapped out a very long, complex crossover of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and the Horatio Hornblower series. I never wrote any of it down, of course, and now I couldn't tell you who was who or what was what. But at the time I was in love with my ideas and though they were the best thing since sliced cheese.

Then there's the thing I've been playing with recently.

You see, my sister and I recently been watching two shows: one with my mom, and one with my dad. Those two shows happen to be Downton Abbey and Agents of SHIELD, respectively. We're two episodes into Agents of SHIELD and two seasons into Downton Abbey, but I really like both.

The trouble is that now my urge to crossover is starting in.

My sister doesn't want to discuss these crossover ideas with me, despite having seen both shows. I'm a little torn myself over whether these ideas are genius or just nutty. And even if I did write them down it would largely be for my benefit and mine alone.

But I am sure of one thing. I am not going to repeat the mistake I made with My Little Pony and the Hornblower series. This time, I am at least going to write my ideas down, if only so that I can look back at them later and laugh at myself.

I haven't quite gotten the details all worked out yet, as it were. But you can be sure that as soon as I do, I'll post them, and you can laugh as much as you want.

(Assuming you watch both shows and get all the parallels. I don't know, I might be the only one.)

Behold, I Have Made a Meme

I could be doing constructive things right now. I could be writing. I could be reading. But no. Instead of doing something productive, I'm making My Little Pony memes.

This meme was inspired by the various camping trips my family has gone on. Not that there have been that many. But we live in Alaska. Any camping trip is an open invitation for any and all mosquitoes to head over and mercilessly suck our blood. 

I've had bug bites on my feet. And not on the top of my feet, either. Have you ever had a mosquito bite on the BOTTOM OF YOUR FEET, reader? Well, let me tell you, it is not fun!

So, yeah, not I'm terribly disposed to camping. Next year, I just want to take the train.

Alternate version of my meme

*The pictures used in the makings of these memes were taken from the My Little Pony episode "Pinkie Apple Pie". All graphics themselves were pulled from the My Little Pony wiki.

So You Think You Can Annoy the Fans?

Every MLP fan's worst nightmare...

If you've read my review of The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, you probably know that I don't take kindly to anyone—be they movie director, novelist, or anyone else—messing with my favorite books and movies. Neither do I appreciate the corruption of a franchise I appreciate, such as My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. 

So, with that in mind, here is a top five list of adaptations, sequels, or thinly veiled marketing ploys spinoffs that I did not appreciate. 

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#5: The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

I have already taken the liberty of reviewing this atrocious creative movie, so let me just sum up my opinion as this: I didn't like it. The movie in and of itself had some nice moments, and while I didn't appreciate the overtly dark tone, it was overall a pretty fun outing. 

However. 

In the context of being a book adaptation, it was horrid. Almost nothing went according to the original work, characters and backstories were added willy-nilly, and almost half an hour (by my estimate) was spent on a superfluous scene that could have been avoided if the director had just taken the time to expound on the things he should have.

So I didn't like it.
(Please note that the first Hobbit movie, while liberal, was good enough to earn a reasonable rating from me. The second one wasn't. As of the writing of this post the third one hasn't yet been released, but at this point my hopes aren't that high.)

#4: My Little Pony Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks
This one hasn't been released yet, but it's on the list purely because there's a 99.5% chance that it will be just as terrible as its predecessor.

Which leads me to...

#3: My Little Pony: Equestria Girls
I've already linked to the Wikipedia article in the picture at the top of this post, so I'll be brief here:

I don't like Equestria Girls because it's cliché. I don't like Equestria Girls because it's childish. It's generic. It's boring. And it ruined a part of the My Little Pony franchise for me.

Now, don't misread me. I like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic because it's the opposite of all the adjectives used to describe EqG above. But Equestria Girls? It was terrible, and frankly I think Hasbro sold themselves short. A My Little Pony movie could have been so much more.

#2: Superhero Squad
Oh the horror...

Okay, so this show is (hopefully) supposed to be a parody. Which I didn't know when I tried to watch it. So I probably ended up taking it way too seriously... but still.

This show is just... stupid.

Seriously, that's all I can think of to describe it. The characters are all one-dimensional to the point of being out-of-character, the villains are that plus being clichéd and brain-dead. And there are no alter egos.

So no Tony Stark. No Bruce Banner. No Carol Danvers, Peter Parker, or Steve Rogers. I didn't know how much I loved alter egos until they stopped being there.

 And there is absolutely no character development what. So. Ever.

Conclusion: If you intend to venture out into the juvenile depths of this show, be prepared to take it with a boulder-sized grain of salt.

#1: Disney's Pocahontas
Admittedly, I had a surprisingly Disney-free childhood. To this day I haven't watched a number of their princess movies, though I do tend to like the ones I have had. So that may contribute a bit of bias to this opinion.

But still...

Disney's adaptation of Pocahontas affronted me, mostly because they, apparently, thought they could play fast and loose with the historical facts. Here's a tip: if you don't think X will make a good movie, then just don't make a movie out of it! But don't, for the love of caramel corn, rearrange facts and redesign characters willy-nilly to accommodate your ideal of the movie!
My other major problem with this movie was its characterization. Both of the main characters were two-dimensional at best, and so was the villain and the one of the two supporting characters. The other supporting character did happen to have some halfway-decent characterization, and he ended up being the only reason I finished the movie.

Conclusion: It's a sad, sad, time when you're watching a historical fiction movie... and end up only finishing it for the sake of the one completely fabricated character.

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And there you have it! Five complain-y mini reviews, all for the price of one!

Tune in next time to hear me complain about even more stuff!

Or maybe review Star Wars: The Clone Wars. I'm not sure yet. 

And that's all for now, folks!

The Hunger Games Ruined My Vocabulary

First off: right, yes, I know, I promised a review, but this one popped into my head and I had to run with it. Reviews are coming. Soon. Eventually. As soon as I get at least one of the books on my current reading list finished.

Now.

The Hunger Games ruined my vocabulary.

It's not just the Hunger Games, of course. A lot, and I mean a lot, of stories all conspired to ruin my vocabulary. Every fantasy/sci-fi story I ever read/watched was probably in on it. Probably the only books that weren't involved were that pesky Real Life series by Nancy Rue. (And when I say pesky, I mean so-awesome-you-should-totally-go-read-them. Like, right now. Or at least after you finish reading this blog.)

So anyway, it would take a lot of time to list all of the conspirators. For convenience I'll just list the worst ones here.

To start, the Hunger Games.

The Hunger Games ruined me because I can no longer hear the word "games" without immediately thinking of gladatorial combat. Seriously, just go ask Rainbow Dash why I want the Equestria Games to involve combat.
(Not that I'm not totally excited for a ponified version of the Olympics, but that's a different blog post.)

THG also totally ruined the word "career", along with "glimmer", "clove", "primrose", "rue", and especially "katniss".

Next up, Star Wars.

Star Wars ruined "master". Totally, utterly, completely. Also "knight", along with "system". (Though I at least understand the reasoning behind that one, so it works. But still.) And I'm not even going to go into "imperial" and "senate".

I could go on, but you probably get the picture. It's a conspiracy, I tell you, and the ringleader is none other than the troublesome mental phenomenon known as word association! It's a conspiracy, they're conspiring against me! Treason! Thieves! Fire! Murder!

...Sorry. Got a little off-track with that one.

But it gives me a great idea.

Someday I'm going to write a story about an elf who's divergent from her system's way of doing things. She goes on a quest with her master, and on the way they meet a knight of the Celestial Order who possesses a magical primrose flower known as the Rarity, and a cat-shifter morrowseer, gifted with foresight. Together they must avenge all of the dwarves killed by the Dark Lord Maul.

And it will be epic.

(Bonus points to the max if you can name all of the references that weren't name-dropped in this post.)

Again, stay tuned, because reviews are coming! Eventually. 

What Not To Do

Or, Fictional Stuff that Really Ticks Me Off.

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Well, I wanted to start a series of reviews for books and movies I like, but since I'm on vacation that'll have to wait. So instead, you lovely people get a rant.

Also, I'm on my tablet, so feel free to point out any typos you see.

Anyway. On we go. (Links will be provided when appropriate.)

1) Female warriors with waist-length hair.

Tauriel as she appears in Peter Jackson's
The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow,
as seen in The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes

This one is first because it really bothers me.

To start, I'm going to say a few things about myself. I'm a girl, so my hair is long but not really long. A few inches past my shoulders, at the longest. I keep it in a ponytail 90% of the time because it gets in the way if I keep it down. If I happen to be playing a sport or running around for some reason,  I'll definitely put it up, or even braid it.

So tell me: where is the logic in having loose waist-length hair if you're consistently going to be in a high-risk combat situation?

Answer: there isn't any. Hair that long could very easily get tangled, pulled, yanked out, caught on something, etc. Ever heard the story of Absalom? In case you haven't, he died because his long hair got caught on a tree branch, allowing him to be overtaken and killed.

Killed.

My Solution: Braid. Your. Hair. You want to look attractive and actiony? Well, that's asking for a lot, but that's a different blog. The point is, braid your hair. You get to keep it, and as a bonus it won't endanger you by getting caught so easily.

2) Gamma radiation is not a one-way ticket to super powers.

"That much gamma exposure should've killed you."

–Tony Stark on Bruce Banner's transformation into the Hulk (The Avengers, 2012)

This one came up because of two episodes the Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes series. The basic premise is this: a super-intelligent supervillain plots to take over the world (yawn) by enveloping the entire planet in a dome of gamma radiation, thus turning everyone inside into monsters.

Well, hate to break it to ya, Mr. "Leader" (I'm not kidding. That's his name.), but that would just kill everyone. Really. It would only be you and all those other weirdos from the specialized gamma radiation prison. Because you see, the sad reality is this: gamma radiation doesn't really turn people into monsters. It just... kills them.

I can hear the skeptics now. But you don't have any problem with the Hulk, and HE'S a gamma monster! Explain that one!

Alright, I will.

The thing is, Bruce Banner is one person. One person out of―I don't know―7 trillion people? And I'm willing to believe that that one person might have a specific genetic anomaly that might coincide with a specific level of gamma radiation to create the Hulk.

I am not willing to believe that it'll work for everyone.

My Solution: Um... I got nothing. Just don't use this backstory more than once, I guess.

3) Is it just me, or are humans the least developed, least advanced species ever to exist?

This one I'm dividing into fantasy and sci-fi, since it applies to both.

Fantasy:

Here you have elves (in tune with nature, awesome fighters, or both), dwarves (long-lived, sometimes with earth powers or metal-working powers to boot), dragons (They can breathe fire. 'Nuff said.), and any other fantasy creature you might want (including but not limited to: fairies, gnomes, orcs, hobbits, and shapeshifters). Whichever way you go, you've almost always got creatures that are more powerful, more long-lived, and generally all-around cooler.

Sci-Fi:

There tends to be more freedom of imagination here, but the basics are the same―nonhumans have longevity, six or seven senses, two brains, the ability to regenerate limbs, etc. Whereas humans are just... humans. Additionally, any extraterrestrials usually have technology that blows ours out of the water. 

Now, if you'll notice, the only thing all these fictional species tend to have in common is that they're all, to some degree, better than humans.

Now, I can see where the writers are coming from from their standpoint―if I'm going to use a nonhuman I might as well make them cool, and also different enough to be called nonhuman. But from a fictional standpoint, this is downright embarrassing. Because basically, if you're a human, you're automatically at a disadvantage.

My Solution: Either give the humans some unique abilities of their own, or limit the elves/dragons/shapeshifters/whatever.

4) Contrary to popular belief, it can be extremely hard to learn a new language.

The most egregious offender I know of for this one is probably Eragon. Not only did the titular protagonist learn to read in a week, he also learned a magical second language with minimal fuss or difficulty.

That is not the way things work, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm currently five months into a study of Latin, and I am no conversationalist in that tongue. I have a long way to go. Additionally, I'm in my early teens, and as far as I know my ability to learn a language is already declining. The protagonist of Eragon is two years older than me.

My Solution: For the love of StarClan, be realistic about these things. Don't make it easy, because it's not.

5) There is a thin line between "letting your heroes get off scot free" and "using every other character to blame the heroes for the collateral damage".

For that matter, there's also a line between "having everyone shower your heroes with praise" and "having everyone ignore the heroes... even after they've saved the world".

This is something My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic tends to err in. The Mane Six have saved the world three times (four if you count the Equestia Girls movie, which I don't). Yet we see in multiple episodes that no one seems to know who they are.

Superhero movies also tend to mess up with this. One of the things I like about the 2012 Avengers movie is that it shows a healthy balance here. Sure, some people are asking questions and wondering why the Avengers had to destroy half of New York in their battle. But others are thankful and frankly that's refreshing.

Actually, this leads me to another point...

6) Slandering the guy who can warp the fabric of atomic energy is a BAD IDEA.

Sure, some heroes will do the right thing and keep on saving people, even when they get no respect in return. Sure, some heroes will put up with all the verbal abuse. Some, on the other hand, wouldn't and won't.

Think about it, Mr. Outspoken Newspaper Editor. Do you really want a world where Generic-Man decides to quit his job because he can't catch a break? Do you really want some savvy villain to take advantage of your lies?

Heck, if I were a superhero getting razzed by the local newspaper, I might take a stroll over there and give 'em a piece of my mind. I might even fry some stuff. Sure, Spiderman and Captain America might put up with it, but I'll bet you Iron Man and Thor wouldn't.

My Solution: You don't need to eradicate J. Jonah Jameson and his ilk. They need scapegoats. I get it. That's always been a problem. But please, at least show the people who do care and are thankful. I know they exist, so give them a voice. (This also applies to #5.)

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And there you have it. Some of the things that majorly bother me, and how they can be avoided. Next blog will be a review, I promise.

A Short PSA: Thanks to a quick bit of tinkering, anonymous comments are now enabled, meaning you can comment without needing a Google account. Just thought I'd mention it.