The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

*Warning: The followed blog contains massive spoilers and unearthly amounts of ranting. Viewer discretion is advised.*

Dear Peter Jackson,
I'm writing this letter to express my complaints about your recent film "The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug". I have many complaints, and hopefully this letter will reveal to you the depths of my disappointment.

As stated, I have many complaints, but I believe I will start with the beginning of the movie.

Your opening scene with Thorin and Gandalf was excellent. Something I looked forward to for a long time. Let it never be said that Desolation of Smaug has a dull opening.

But then came the next scene.

It opened well enough. Bilbo doing surveillance, the dwarves being chased, and so on. But herein lies my first question: we ended The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey with the dwarves having been rescued by eagles. They were resting, safe, on the Carrock. What happened? Was there a timeskip? If so, why is this not clearer?

Anyway, the dwarves start through the forest, after Gandalf tells them that they're on their way to meet a shapeshifter. Said shapeshifter is nice enough when human, but rather animalistic in bear form. Oh, and it's hit or miss, you might catch him human and you might not, so let's run to his house and hope to high heaven he doesn't catch us on the way.

Oh, and there are orcs. Of course.

So they make it to the house, and apparently Beorn (the shapeshifter) isn't strong enough to break down his own doors.

Even in bear form.

So the dwarves get some much-needed rest. A bit later Beorn comes in in human form and serves breakfast... as he tells the tale of how he is the last shapeshifter, that they were all killed eventually by The Necromancer.

Dear Peter Jackson: What the heck? In the book Beorn's origins were speculated on, but never really explored. And then I see you spinning all this nonsense about a race of skinchangers that were captured when goblins and orcs came from the north. And then torture.

I don't think anyone really wanted breakfast after that little story.

Anyway. Moving on.

So Beorn and Gandalf warn the dwarves about the Mirkwood, yadda yadda yadda. They go to Mirkwood... and Gandalf discovers a mysterious sign that somehow portends evil. So his decision not to join the dwarves in Mirkwood is split-second, not premeditated.

Book deviation count: 5

Now, I'll consider what happens next a timeskip for your sake. The dwarves start well enough, but then lose the path and start wacking out. Illusion, mind games, and such.

In the book they deliberately left the path out of hunger, not madness. Book deviation count: 6

And then spiders. Bilbo is considerably awesomer than he was in the book. Dwarves are considerably stronger than they were in the book. A nice, book-oriented scene is ruined thanks to spiders.

And then the wood elves show up, and we get a first glance of Tauriel, much-famed female wood elf. And I must admit, she's awesome.

Except for the fact that she shows up... to save Kili.

Ordinarily I would rejoice at this. Female warrior and favorite dwarf together in one scene! But not so. And we shall see why... soon enough.

Anyway, the dwarves are marched to the wood elf palace and locked up. Some rather flirtatious dialogue is had between Kili and Tauriel. And then we cut to Thorin and Thranduil.

Admittedly, I was waiting for this. A scene I so wanted to happen. And at last, something goes right: Thorin starts yelling at Thranduil for his betrayal (if that's what you want to call it) that we saw in the first movie.

Thranduil retorts that he tried to warn Thorin's grandfather, what happened wasn't his fault, and he has seen things Thorin doesn't even know about--something about dragon fire, I think.

Dear Peter Jackson: What the heck? There's kind of a reason we have skin on our faces, you know. And you know what? I'm done. I really don't care if you can justify it anymore, I'm done. This is not the story we know and love.

But for the sake of possible better bits, I persevere.

Thorin is thrown in jail, possibly to rot, since "One hundred years is the blink of an eye in the life of an elf". Thranduil is dramatic if nothing else.

Thorin tells Balin of the deal Thranduil offered, and how he told Thranduil to go... um...

You know, I don't think there's even a way to translate that nicely, so I think I'm going to move on.

Kili is sitting in his cell, playing with this dark stone that has runes carved in it. Tauriel walks by, inquires, and Kili tells her that the runes will curse any non-dwarvish entity that reads them....

...And then decides that he'd really rather make friends with this nice (not to mention good-looking) elf. So he stops messing with her and they start talking.

While Legolas watches jealously from the shadows.

Book deviation count: ∞

Just to say, the chatty dialogue is nice enough... but you made your decision about this movie's level of darkness, Pete, and you can't have romance and dark action in the same movie without some very careful handling. This movie wasn't careful enough.

Moving on.

We then flip to the POV of Bilbo, who is sneaking around the elves' palace. He spies on Thranduil from the shadows as said elf king speaks to Tauriel about the giant spiders that are growing bolder.

Towards the end of their chat, Thranduil roundaboutly tells Tauriel that she is not to become romantically involved with his son, because she is basically not high-born enough.

So forbidden romance all 'round. Seriously, I thought this movie would be more original. But no.

Then we see Bilbo in the elves' cellar-rooms, where he discovers that the elves' empty wine barrels will be sent down the river to Laketown. So he steals the keys, lets the dwarves out, and packs them into barrels.

Now, allow me to back up a bit and explain something: back when the dwarves were at Beorn's house, a rather familiar orc by the name of Azog ordered a different orc--Bolg--to take up the hunt for Thorin, thus rehashing a lot of the tension seen in movie one. So this Bolg is hunting the dwarves, and he's about to catch up them via the river-gate.

You can see where this is going.

So the dwarves start down the river, with Bilbo hanging onto the side of one of the barrels, just as the elves discover that they're gone. Bolg and Co. show up and start trying to kill the dwarves. And since dwarves have, in fact, dropped to Enemy #2 since the orcs showed up, a massive orc-vs-elf battle ensues, with the dwarves in the middle of it.

Did this battle have great combat scenes? Yes. Did it have some other good bits? Yes. Did I like it? More or less. Was it in the book? No!

So the dwarves float down the river in the middle of a battle scene. Then they reach the river-gate that will allow them out of the elves' lands--and the elf shuts the portcullis right before being shot by an orc.

Dwarves are trapped as total orc-vs-elf pandemonium reigns. And then... our intrepid hero Kili realizes that he can, in fact, climb up to open the portcullis if he tries, danger and possible consequences be darned.

So he tries.

And he almost makes it, too. But just as he reaches the lever, Bolg takes aim with his bow and...

Now there's an arrow sticking out of Kili's thigh.

Book deviation count: 12

Long story short, the dwarves (including Kili) make their escape, and Thranduil decides to lock down the kingdom upon learning that some great evil has appeared.

Because putting everyone in lockdown always works when the world is at stake.

However, Legolas learns that before the lockdown order was given, Tauriel left the kingdom to go find Kili, after she learned that he was shot with a poisoned arrow. Legolas decides to follow her.

Book deviation count: 15

And then we flip back to the dwarves.

Our heroes have managed to make it out of the woodland realm and are resting on a riverbank. Their new main problem is discussed: they have no way of getting across the lake the river empties into, and Bolg and Co. would easily run them down if they tried to go around.

As this is being talked over, the shot zooms ominously in on Ori, who is innocently dumping water out of his boots.

Then he looks up.

And sees an archer poised at the top of a rock, ready to shoot.

Dear Peter Jackson: What the heck? I'm an avid reader of the book, and I'm pretty sure that's not how the dwarves met Bard. But then again, this movie hasn't exactly been a paragon of adherence so far, so I digress.

Book deviation count: 16

So the dwarves speak with Bard. Balin does his best to sweet-talk their new acquaintance into taking them to Lake-town. Eventually he succeeds, but only because he offered to pay double Bard's usual fare.

So the dwarves go to Lake-town, and Bard smuggles them into his house in a painstaking process that involves fish, latrines, and some mildly invoked threats. I have yet to understand why Alfrid and the Master have such a vendetta against Bard. What has he ever done to them? Exist?

Here I'll stop complaining to make a brief note: I like Bard and his family. I really do. If nothing else, they are the one accomplishment made in this movie. For me, at least.

And then, alas... something more happens.

Bard tries to hold up his end of the deal by securing weapons for the dwarves, but Thorin and Co. suddenly decide to be picky about their weaponry. They want iron weapons, the fact that all iron weapons in Lake-town are under lock and key be darned!

You can see where this is going.

Thorin and Co. decide to... break into the town armory and steal weapons.

Dear Peter Jackson: What the heck?

So they break into the armory and begin stealing weapons. It's actually going quite well. And then Intrepid Hero (aka Kili) comes down the stairs carrying an armload of metal weapons and trying to walk on a wounded,  poisoned leg.

Even worse, when Thorin (Kili's uncle) inquires, Kili claims he's fine, and gets a few more weapons to carry for his trouble.

Guess what happens.

Kili falls down the stairs, dwarves are captured, and Bard discovers that Thorin's appearance means not prosperity but destruction.

Thorin and Co. are marched before the Master, who seems more upset at being woken up than anything else. Before charges can be brought Thorin, being the amazing motivational speaker that he is, announces his identity and manages to convince the people of Lake-town that they will join in the wealth when Erebor is re-taken.

Bard arrives and tries to convince everyone of what he's discovered, but the Master discredits him by pointing out that Bard's ancestor was the one who failed to kill Smaug during the attack on Dale. Thus the dwarves get a proper welcome to Lake-town and there is much rejoicing amongst the townspeople.

A short timeskip is had, and the next we see of the dwarves, they're preparing to leave for Erebor--even though the group is notably lacking in a certain dwarf named Bofur. As the others board the boat, Thorin pulls Kili aside and breaks the news to him: He's not going with them to Erebor.

It's a logical decision--Kili is wounded and would only slow them down when they need to move fast--but it's also a decision that breaks Kili's heart. He and his brother (Fili) grew up on stories of Erebor and now...

Oin volunteers to stay with Kili, since he has healing experience. Fili, angry at his uncle's decision, defies Thorin and also stays behind.

And, of course, we have Bofur, who woke up late and missed the boat.

Dear Peter Jackson: What the heck? That's four dwarves not going with the others, one of whom only stayed behind because he... woke up late. Seriously? You'd better have a really, really good reason for this.

Anyway.

We flip back to Gandalf's POV, and find that he has come to an old, crumbling fortress. With some difficulty he gets in and goes to meet Radagast the Brown in a certain area. Here we learn that "the Nine" are gone, and thus The Necromancer (who is rising in the south Mirkwood area, at Dol Guldor) cannot be a human sorcerer, since "the Nine" only answer to one.

The Necromancer can only be Sauron.

And so Gandalf is forced to choose: rendezvous with the dwarves as he promised, or go to confront The Necromancer before it's too late?

Under some duress from Radagast, he chooses the latter and they set off.

At Dol Guldor, Gandalf sends Radagast to alert Lady Galadriel to what is happening. And then he goes in alone.

He explores a bit and attempts to expose the evil hiding in the fortress. These attempts are mostly futile, and thus he is caught off-guard when none other than Azog the Defiler attacks.

Dear Peter Jackson: What the heck? In case you need reminding, this is the wizard who took out a freaking balrog. The same guy who ended Theoden's possesion in the halls of Meduseld, who came with the rising sun to rescue Helm's Deep.

And he can't take out one orc?

I am done.

So Gandalf manages to keep Azog off his back, though he's nowhere near as good at it as he should be. He tries to escape, but is stopped by The Necromancer himself.

Gandalf casts a light-shield spell similar to the one he used in Moria, against the above-mentioned balrog. It... sort of works... but in the end The Necromancer is stronger and defeats him.

Okay, nothing wrong with that so far. When Sauron was at peak strength, the five wizards of Middle-Earth combined couldn't destroy him. He's at low power right now (as Gandalf handily pointed out earlier), but he should still be a match for a solitary wizard.

But now comes the bad part.

The Necromancer defeats Gandalf and pins him to a wall, using a wind-like force that seems to come with his swirling dark form. But then a figure clad in dark armor comes walking out of the flames, creating the famous eye of fire Sauron is known so well for.

Dear Peter Jackson: What. The. Heck.

As far as I remember, the last time Sauron had enough power to take on a human form like that was... the Second Age.

Even worse, he was only able to manifest himself then because he was at peak power and possessed the Ring.

Gandalf already pointed out that Sauron is currently at low power. So why the heck is he manifesting himself in a form he's only taken once before, at peak power?

Anyway, scene ends with Gandalf dangling over the side of a cliff in some sort of cage, watching in horror as orcs march toward the lonely mountain.

And with that happy thought in mind, we switch back to Thorin and Co.

Back at the Lonely Mountain, the dwarves refuse to wait for Gandalf at the assigned meeting place and strike out to find the hidden door. They do eventually find it, and wait in anticipation as the sun sinks, for the "last light of Durin's Day will shine upon the keyhole", and they need to find the keyhole to get into the mountain.

The sun sets.

Nothing happens.

The dwarves get depressed and make as if to go home, but Bilbo stays around. And as he stand there...

The moon comes out from behind a cloud and illuminates the door in just such a way as to show where the keyhole is.

The dwarves have penetrated Erebor. Finally.

In a way that never happened in the book.

So the dwarves send Bilbo into the treasury, and Balin explains that he's there to find the Arkenstone: a large, white gem that he'll know when he sees it.

Also, not waking the dragon would be a good idea.

And so Bilbo is left, alone, to work his nonexistant magic.

Bilbo sneaks into the treasure-room and searches for a while. But this treasure is huge--about as large as a medium-sized city, I'd say. Searching is all but futile when all the description you've got is "a large white gem".

Then Bilbo inadvertently wakes Smaug, and the two have a passably decent conversation... until Smaug tires of it and begins threatening Bilbo as only dragons can do. He knocks around a bit of the architecture in the treasury, and the resulting noise is heard all the way out at Lake-town.

Bard, being the perceptive, knowledgeable guy that he is, hears the noise and takes his black arrow--the one remaining weapon that can kill a dragon--and hurries to fix it to the dwarf-made bow that lies at the top of the city. Unfortunately, the Master and Alfrid really have it out for Bard now, and he ends up getting arrested while his son, Bain, hides the arrow.

Again, why is Alfrid so out to get Bard? Did Bard outrank him in chess club? Humiliate him in school sports? What happened?

Anyway. While Bard is gone, his house is attacked by--guess who--Bolg and Co. The three unwounded dwarves don't have any weapons, and though they put up a fight it's not looking good for Bard's daughters and Intrepid Hero (aka Kili).

And then, who should show up but Legolas. Closely followed by Forbidden Romance Magnet, aka Tauriel.

The two elves make quick work of the orcs. Legolas leaves to go after the ones that got away, but Tauriel is torn between her duty and her crush. (I refuse to call it 'love'.) Finally she chooses Kili, takes the healing herb Bofur found during the orc attack, and uses it to heal Kili.

And then... okay, I'm going to admit. Out of place though it was, I thought this scene was pretty sweet. Or at least cute.

I mean, come on. At least there wasn't any kissing.

Anway, what happens is this: after being healed by Tauriel (and the poison-curing herb athalas), Kili wakes in a dreamlike state and admits his love for Tauriel, not realizing that the person he's talking to happens to be... Tauriel.

But no outright declarations of love are made on Tauriel's end, so there is yet hope for the sanity of this movie.

Actually, no, there isn't. But the scene was at least decent.

Anyway. Meanwhile, back at the mountain, the dwarves finally go in to help Bilbo. And somehow they conceive what shall henceforth be known as "The Plan to End All Plans".

Or just The Plan for short.

Anyway, the dwarves split up and lead Smaug to the old gold-forges. They trick him into rekindling the fires, and then melt all the gold lying about. Through the power of teamwork and insanely one-sided luck, they all manage to survive stage one of The Plan and then get Smaug to head to one of Erebor's enormous halls. There, Thorin taunts his enemy and then helps break apart an enormous stone mold, revealing a huge golden statue of his grandfather.

It's kind of sad, but I have to admit that that statue was one of this movie's high points.

The statue, which is actually made of molten gold, then melts, drowning Smaug in liquid gold.

But of course this doesn't kill Smaug, because if it did then you, my good Sir Jackson, wouldn't have a third movie to make millions off of. So Smaug breaks out of the gold and flies off to torch Lake-town.

Cue credits.

In conclusion, this movie was utterly disappointing for me. The plot was wildly inadherent to the book, the romance was out-of-place at best, the characters, though interesting, had almost no development whatsoever, and the scriptwriter(s) seemed to have forgotten everything that transpired in the four previous Middle-Earth movies.

To sum up, I will not be viewing "The Hobbit: There and Back Again" until it comes out on DVD, thus depriving you of twenty dollars or so. And, admittedly, I will be much more cautious about sequel films in the future. You have taught me a valuable lesson, Mr. Jackson, bitter though it was.

As a parting note, I believe that this movie can be summed up in a paraphrasing of one of its more "poignant" lines.

"That, my lad... was a flop."

Sincerely,
A Concerned Fan