Santa Claus Conspiracy Theories

*Disclaimer: I started this post over a year ago and have been waiting for a Christmas-y opportunity to post it. Be warned, kids. This is what comes of having an active imagination.*

So this is what comes of having siblings who debate about Santa. Or, rather, this is what comes of so much as hearing someone debate how Santa does what he does. Since there's often little telling how my brain works, I'll spare you the details and simply record here what I thought of when my siblings began asking, "Just how does Santa make it to every home in the world in one night?"

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Theory #1: Santa is a mutant
How else do you think he can travel all around the world in one night? Either his power is time reversal/time slowing, in which case Santa could be doing a lot more than just delivering presents on one night out of 365. OR Santa's mutant power is super speed. But then his reindeer would have to be superfast mutants, too, and I'm not sure how that would work.

Alternatively...


Theory #2: Santa is Quicksilver
Super speed. Naturally white/silver hair. Questionable activities in his youth, leading to a desire to do good in his old age. Need I say more?


Theory #3: Santa is the Flash
Though I can't imagine why the Flash would be doing this in his old age. The Quicksilver theory fits much better. Next?


Theory #4: Santa works for the CIA
Come on--you know you've wondered about this yourself. He sees you when you're sleeping? He knows when you're awake? He knows when you've been bad or good... so be good for goodness's sake. 
Come on. This guy is downright creepy. And who's better known for creepy, invasive policies than the CIA?

Theory #5: Santa works for the NSA
See above.

Theory #6: "Santa" is actually an army of clones.
Unlike most clone armies, "Santa Claus" (actually thousands of identical clones) is dedicated to doing good. Every year on December 25, thousands upon thousands of these clones descend upon the households of the world to leave presents and eat cookies and milk. Then they retreat to the North Pole to await the next Christmas.

Theory #7: Santa Claus is a legend made up to explain the inexplicable appearance of flying sleighs on Christmas Eve.
Where do these sleighs come from? Where are they going? Why? We don't actually know the answer to any of these questions, but we have to tell the kids something. "Santa Claus" seems as good a fib as any.

Theory #8: Santa Claus is a legend made up by parents to explain why Christmas is in December.
When asked why Christmas is held in December, most parents don't have an answer that makes sense. The story of Santa Claus is a welcome diversion. Admittedly, nothing about the legend of Santa makes sense, either, but it's entertaining enough to distract the kiddies from their original question. And it has the added bonus of presenting an empty threat to try and get kids to behave for the last month of the year. What's to dislike?

And finally...

Theory #9: Santa Claus is a story spread by the real St. Nicholas to cover up the fact that he's still alive and doing good deeds.
St. Nicholas is, overall, a stand-up guy. He's generous, loves to share, and doesn't even want a lot of fame or recognition in return. Also, by this point he would be over 1,800 years old. No one that old wants to be bothered by reporters and government agencies asking how he's lived this long. So he started a rumor about a magical old man who travels the world and delivers presents on Christmas Eve. This story has successful diverted world resources and questions away from St. Nicholas, allowing him to go on doing good in secret.

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So what do you think? Does Santa work for the NSA? Does he really have super powers? Does he even exist at all?

The world may never know...

Thanks for reading! ¡Feliz Navidad!

@Marvel: Seriously, Guys. You Need to Rethink Some of Your Decisions.

To start this off, I would just like to point out that I am a fan of Marvel. I don't hate them; I just think they could do better in certain areas. And I'm willing to point those shortcomings out, even as I enjoy their productions.

That having been said: Marvel, would it kill ya to add some diversity to your movie lineup?

I mean, Rescue was an awesome first addition to the MCU, but Pepper Potts has had three of her own films and two ensemble movies by now--when is Tony Stark/Iron Man going to get his own film? And I love Jane Foster as much as the next person (Darcy Lewis makes an awesome villain), but after two movies, I'm starting to wonder what a story centered around Thor would look like.

And I love Isaiah Bradley, believe me, but he's gotten two movies and we haven't seen hide nor hair of Steve Rogers--who, may I remind you, came from the same time period. (Oh well, at least we got Sharon Carter as a major player in the last Captain America movie. She might even become an Avenger now!)

Admittedly, moving from Ronda Rousey to Anne Hathaway as She-Hulk in The Avengers was a good move. Ms. Hathaway really embodies the character and she's one of my favorites. But what about Bruce Banner? I mean, he is her cousin and all. You'd think he might have been hanging around somewhere, even if he hasn't become the Incredible Hulk in that universe yet.

And now we've got a movie about the Wasp coming out this summer. As though a 5:1 ratio of women to men in The Avengers wasn't enough. As though the fans haven't been begging for a Hawkeye movie since his first appearances. That's bad enough, but it appears that in this new movie, Ant-Man--a founding member of the Avengers and core character--has been killed off before the film even opens. Way to take out a potentially interesting, diverse character from the get-go, Marvel.

And Fox: you're not off the hook either. Just because you have a bigger line up per-movie, doesn't mean you're inherently more diverse. I mean, I know Halle Berry is a great actress, and people are pretty much guaranteed to watch anything with Storm in it, but isn't it time to give Hugh Jackman his own movie? And way to sideline your male characters in the prequels, just so you can focus more on the conflict between Moira MacTaggert and Mystique. At least Magneto got to be the villain for a change in X-Men: Days of Future Past. And by the way, why would you put Scarlet Witch in the movie without Quicksilver? Why would you even do that?
(By the way, that "Magic fixes everything" scene in DoFP was totally gratuitous. Awesome, but gratuitous.)

Oh well. At least X-Men: Apocalypse is coming. We're guaranteed to get Cyclops, Nightcrawler, and Colossus in that, and hopefully Magneto won't get sidelined too badly.

And then... Sony. Sony, Sony, Sony. We've had two different Spider-Girl movie franchises, with another on the way, and you've had yet to show us anyone other than Anya Corazon. Where are Miles Morales and Peter Parker? Sure would be nice to know that they exist.

I don't know, guys. I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot here. All I want is some actual representation here--more than just token characters and love interests. (By the way, way to go with Guardians of the Galaxy, guys. A bunch of female characters and one token guy--now where have we seen that before?) This isn't hard, guys. All it takes is looking at other characters from the comics, stepping outside your comfort zone, and maybe acknowledging that everyone wants to be represented--not just your select group.

Good day.

All the Small Things

~Periodic ramblings about my life.~

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1. (Hydrogen)

I'm more-or-less halfway through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It's my first time reading it. (I started the series later than most.) I know all the spoilers, though, because it's pretty much impossible to be on the internet and not run into spoilers about this series. 

2. (Helium)

We are having a really strange winter. I'm currently living in Alaska, and our snowfall this year has to be at a record low. We got a few inches just recently, but before that there was only about an inch on the ground, and that was starting to melt. 

I just hope this doesn't ruin breakup. See, there's this huge ditch in our neighborhood that fills up with water when the snow melts, since it's at the bottom of the hill our neighborhood is situated on. The water generally only stays for a few days, but it's fun while it lasts. Or, it will be if our abysmal snowfall rates don't affect it. 

3. (Lithium)

I am really excited about the superhero movies coming out this year (specifically, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Ant-Man, and the new Fantastic Four movie). I'm especially excited to see what Fox does with the Fantastic Four this time around, since their first stab at it wasn't exactly... stellar. 

4. (Beryllium)

You're probably wondering why each of these thoughts is preceded by the name of a chemical. I'm just going to come right out: it's a pun. Periodic, get it? Because at the beginning I sub-titled it Periodic Thoughts About My Life? Heheheheheh.... heh. 

5. (Boron)

My sister is reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. (She's actually reading it here as I type this.) I keep threatening to spoil it for her. Fortunately, she has no idea what's coming. 

Heheheheheheheheh. Heheheheheheheh--

Excuse me. 

6. (Carbon)

Season 5 of Downton Abbey is taking forever to air. We get one episode a week, every Sunday night. And, you know, that wouldn't sting so much if the UK hadn't already gotten the entire season before we even got the premiere!

Sorry. But I am still a little bitter about that one. It just isn't fair. 

7. (Nitrogen) 

We're still working our way through season 1 of Agents of SHIELD. The episodes are getting a bit creepier, and much more frustrating, but at this point there's no way we're going to stop watching. 

8. (Oxygen)

I've started the second semester of Challenge B (the homeschool program I do). It's definitely tough, but I'm starting to enjoy it a little bit (a little bit) more. Fortunately, spring break is March 2-6. And we might be taking a hop to Germany in a couple weeks to visit some friends. So that'll be fun, assuming it happens (it's still up in the air right now). 

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And that about wraps up my periodic reminisces about my life. (Periodic. Heheheh.) For more information about the Periodic Table, I recommend the awesome book The Elements: A Visual Explanation of Every Known Atom in the Universe, by Theodore Gray. For more about my life, keep reading this blog. 

Bye, and thanks for reading!

I Really Need To Stop Doing This

I honestly don't know why I do this to myself. Maybe it's because I'm a writer, and thus have an inexorable drive to make up stories out of thin air. Maybe it's just because I subscribe to the old mantra: if one is good, two must be even better, right?

Either way, I really probably should stop doing this. But I can't. And thus...

I am probably doomed to continue making weird, unlikely crossovers.

For those who don't know, a crossover is basically a fusion of two stories. Some crossovers happen naturally--when the stories are similar (i.e. Star Trek and Star Wars) or when they take place in the same universe (Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit). But then there are those crossovers that... don't.

Those are the types of crossovers I like to create.

You know, I once mapped out a very long, complex crossover of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and the Horatio Hornblower series. I never wrote any of it down, of course, and now I couldn't tell you who was who or what was what. But at the time I was in love with my ideas and though they were the best thing since sliced cheese.

Then there's the thing I've been playing with recently.

You see, my sister and I recently been watching two shows: one with my mom, and one with my dad. Those two shows happen to be Downton Abbey and Agents of SHIELD, respectively. We're two episodes into Agents of SHIELD and two seasons into Downton Abbey, but I really like both.

The trouble is that now my urge to crossover is starting in.

My sister doesn't want to discuss these crossover ideas with me, despite having seen both shows. I'm a little torn myself over whether these ideas are genius or just nutty. And even if I did write them down it would largely be for my benefit and mine alone.

But I am sure of one thing. I am not going to repeat the mistake I made with My Little Pony and the Hornblower series. This time, I am at least going to write my ideas down, if only so that I can look back at them later and laugh at myself.

I haven't quite gotten the details all worked out yet, as it were. But you can be sure that as soon as I do, I'll post them, and you can laugh as much as you want.

(Assuming you watch both shows and get all the parallels. I don't know, I might be the only one.)

How to Tell if Your Dog was Raised by Cats

This is my dog, Joe. Now, to the untutored eye of the ignorant layman (Calvin and Hobbes reference, yay!) Joe may look like an ordinary chocolate lab. But I'm here to let you in on the secret: he isn't. 

For one thing, Joe is the biggest wuss of a dog this side of the Mississipi, but that's (mostly) irrelevant. The BIG secret is that Joe was raised by cats. 

At least, that's my theory. It may sound crazy, but there's proof. Here's a handy questionaire/psuedo-advice-column to explain the proof and help you determine if YOUR dog was also raised by cats. 

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Question #1: Help, my dog is purring!

Don't worry! This is a perfectly normal, if unorthodox, function of your dog's vocal chords. To most, this sound will appear to be a low growl. Your dog will probably make this sound over and over as he receives attention if he truly intends to purr. 

Clearly, this sound is/was meant as an imitation of a cat's purr, which is what your dog would have grown up hearing if he really was raised by cats. 

Question #2: My dog is afraid of cats and other dogs! Why?

If you've ever studied the behavior of a cat, you've seen that they tend to be aloof around other cats, and wary if not outright afraid of dogs. If your dog was raised by cats, he would naturally have picked up some of these behaviors. This is completely normal. 

Question #3: My dog keeps licking himself, all over his body. Why does he do this?

This, of course, is a behavior your dog would have learned from his foster mother, a cat. Cats are well-known for their ability to clean themselves; any dog raised as a cat would attempt to replicate this behavior. Unfortunately, most dogs don't really have the ability to clean themselves this way; but since most dogs also don't have the mental capacity to realize this fact, it's kind of a moot point. 

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Of course, these are just a few of the many odd behaviors a dog raised by cats would express. These are the three cat-like traits that my dog Joe tends to exhibit; of course, your dog may be totally different. The point is, if your dog was an orphan raised by cats, you'll find out one way or the other. 

So what do your think? Was your dog raised by cats? Was your cat raised by dogs? Was your fish raised by hamsters? How can you tell? Any quirky pet stories are fine by me!

Until next time—ciao!

Behold, I Have Made a Meme

I could be doing constructive things right now. I could be writing. I could be reading. But no. Instead of doing something productive, I'm making My Little Pony memes.

This meme was inspired by the various camping trips my family has gone on. Not that there have been that many. But we live in Alaska. Any camping trip is an open invitation for any and all mosquitoes to head over and mercilessly suck our blood. 

I've had bug bites on my feet. And not on the top of my feet, either. Have you ever had a mosquito bite on the BOTTOM OF YOUR FEET, reader? Well, let me tell you, it is not fun!

So, yeah, not I'm terribly disposed to camping. Next year, I just want to take the train.

Alternate version of my meme

*The pictures used in the makings of these memes were taken from the My Little Pony episode "Pinkie Apple Pie". All graphics themselves were pulled from the My Little Pony wiki.