Santa Claus Conspiracy Theories

*Disclaimer: I started this post over a year ago and have been waiting for a Christmas-y opportunity to post it. Be warned, kids. This is what comes of having an active imagination.*

So this is what comes of having siblings who debate about Santa. Or, rather, this is what comes of so much as hearing someone debate how Santa does what he does. Since there's often little telling how my brain works, I'll spare you the details and simply record here what I thought of when my siblings began asking, "Just how does Santa make it to every home in the world in one night?"

***

Theory #1: Santa is a mutant
How else do you think he can travel all around the world in one night? Either his power is time reversal/time slowing, in which case Santa could be doing a lot more than just delivering presents on one night out of 365. OR Santa's mutant power is super speed. But then his reindeer would have to be superfast mutants, too, and I'm not sure how that would work.

Alternatively...


Theory #2: Santa is Quicksilver
Super speed. Naturally white/silver hair. Questionable activities in his youth, leading to a desire to do good in his old age. Need I say more?


Theory #3: Santa is the Flash
Though I can't imagine why the Flash would be doing this in his old age. The Quicksilver theory fits much better. Next?


Theory #4: Santa works for the CIA
Come on--you know you've wondered about this yourself. He sees you when you're sleeping? He knows when you're awake? He knows when you've been bad or good... so be good for goodness's sake. 
Come on. This guy is downright creepy. And who's better known for creepy, invasive policies than the CIA?

Theory #5: Santa works for the NSA
See above.

Theory #6: "Santa" is actually an army of clones.
Unlike most clone armies, "Santa Claus" (actually thousands of identical clones) is dedicated to doing good. Every year on December 25, thousands upon thousands of these clones descend upon the households of the world to leave presents and eat cookies and milk. Then they retreat to the North Pole to await the next Christmas.

Theory #7: Santa Claus is a legend made up to explain the inexplicable appearance of flying sleighs on Christmas Eve.
Where do these sleighs come from? Where are they going? Why? We don't actually know the answer to any of these questions, but we have to tell the kids something. "Santa Claus" seems as good a fib as any.

Theory #8: Santa Claus is a legend made up by parents to explain why Christmas is in December.
When asked why Christmas is held in December, most parents don't have an answer that makes sense. The story of Santa Claus is a welcome diversion. Admittedly, nothing about the legend of Santa makes sense, either, but it's entertaining enough to distract the kiddies from their original question. And it has the added bonus of presenting an empty threat to try and get kids to behave for the last month of the year. What's to dislike?

And finally...

Theory #9: Santa Claus is a story spread by the real St. Nicholas to cover up the fact that he's still alive and doing good deeds.
St. Nicholas is, overall, a stand-up guy. He's generous, loves to share, and doesn't even want a lot of fame or recognition in return. Also, by this point he would be over 1,800 years old. No one that old wants to be bothered by reporters and government agencies asking how he's lived this long. So he started a rumor about a magical old man who travels the world and delivers presents on Christmas Eve. This story has successful diverted world resources and questions away from St. Nicholas, allowing him to go on doing good in secret.

***

So what do you think? Does Santa work for the NSA? Does he really have super powers? Does he even exist at all?

The world may never know...

Thanks for reading! ¡Feliz Navidad!

@Marvel: Seriously, Guys. You Need to Rethink Some of Your Decisions.

To start this off, I would just like to point out that I am a fan of Marvel. I don't hate them; I just think they could do better in certain areas. And I'm willing to point those shortcomings out, even as I enjoy their productions.

That having been said: Marvel, would it kill ya to add some diversity to your movie lineup?

I mean, Rescue was an awesome first addition to the MCU, but Pepper Potts has had three of her own films and two ensemble movies by now--when is Tony Stark/Iron Man going to get his own film? And I love Jane Foster as much as the next person (Darcy Lewis makes an awesome villain), but after two movies, I'm starting to wonder what a story centered around Thor would look like.

And I love Isaiah Bradley, believe me, but he's gotten two movies and we haven't seen hide nor hair of Steve Rogers--who, may I remind you, came from the same time period. (Oh well, at least we got Sharon Carter as a major player in the last Captain America movie. She might even become an Avenger now!)

Admittedly, moving from Ronda Rousey to Anne Hathaway as She-Hulk in The Avengers was a good move. Ms. Hathaway really embodies the character and she's one of my favorites. But what about Bruce Banner? I mean, he is her cousin and all. You'd think he might have been hanging around somewhere, even if he hasn't become the Incredible Hulk in that universe yet.

And now we've got a movie about the Wasp coming out this summer. As though a 5:1 ratio of women to men in The Avengers wasn't enough. As though the fans haven't been begging for a Hawkeye movie since his first appearances. That's bad enough, but it appears that in this new movie, Ant-Man--a founding member of the Avengers and core character--has been killed off before the film even opens. Way to take out a potentially interesting, diverse character from the get-go, Marvel.

And Fox: you're not off the hook either. Just because you have a bigger line up per-movie, doesn't mean you're inherently more diverse. I mean, I know Halle Berry is a great actress, and people are pretty much guaranteed to watch anything with Storm in it, but isn't it time to give Hugh Jackman his own movie? And way to sideline your male characters in the prequels, just so you can focus more on the conflict between Moira MacTaggert and Mystique. At least Magneto got to be the villain for a change in X-Men: Days of Future Past. And by the way, why would you put Scarlet Witch in the movie without Quicksilver? Why would you even do that?
(By the way, that "Magic fixes everything" scene in DoFP was totally gratuitous. Awesome, but gratuitous.)

Oh well. At least X-Men: Apocalypse is coming. We're guaranteed to get Cyclops, Nightcrawler, and Colossus in that, and hopefully Magneto won't get sidelined too badly.

And then... Sony. Sony, Sony, Sony. We've had two different Spider-Girl movie franchises, with another on the way, and you've had yet to show us anyone other than Anya Corazon. Where are Miles Morales and Peter Parker? Sure would be nice to know that they exist.

I don't know, guys. I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot here. All I want is some actual representation here--more than just token characters and love interests. (By the way, way to go with Guardians of the Galaxy, guys. A bunch of female characters and one token guy--now where have we seen that before?) This isn't hard, guys. All it takes is looking at other characters from the comics, stepping outside your comfort zone, and maybe acknowledging that everyone wants to be represented--not just your select group.

Good day.

If Magneto Can Manipulate Electromagnetism, All the X-Men are Screwed

Please pardon my language, but I think I do have a point here.

Electromagnetism is defined as the ideas that

1. A changing electrical field creates a magnetic field, and
2. A changing magnetic field creates an electrical field

The logical conclusion, then, is that Magneto can control electromagnetism, and thus, electricity.

That may not sound like much, initially. But apparently, electromagnetism as a force is 10³⁶x stronger than Earth's gravitational pull. (That's 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times stronger, in case you were curious.)

Just sit back and think about that one for a minute. 

Being able to control metal and magnetism alone is pretty darn hard to stop. If someone, anyone, could control magnetism and electricity? And the force, as a whole, of electromagnetism?

I mean, that's Forge and Surge you've taken out right there, and there are probably even more X-Men dependent enough on electricity to be incapacitated. Not to mention all the power just there at his fingertips.  

So, yes. Stan Lee? Everybody else at Marvel responsible for Magneto?

Congratulations. You, my friends, have created a monster.

And Thus, I Have Created an Alternate Marvel Movie Timeline

Because we totally didn't have enough alternate timelines in Marvel. Nope, all Marvel needs is... another alternate timeline.

But enough about that.

This timeline got started when my sister and I started theorizing about how the Marvel Cinematic Universe would be different if Marvel Studios still owned the X-Men movie rights. (I really, really wish they did...) I got to thinking, and ended up making this movie timeline.

***

X-Men in the Marvel Cinematic Universe 

(If Marvel Studios still owned the X-Men Franchise)

Timeline, including all movies and changes to movies (if any)

Phase One

Iron Man – Mutant Issues are seen on the news and/or in the background of certain scenes. One or two mutants can be seen with the terrorist group that captures Tony Stark.

X-Men – In a post-credits scene, two people can be seen speaking to the World Council on the dangers of mutants. The more anti-mutant person leaves the chamber first, and the second person is revealed to be Nick Fury.

The Incredible Hulk – One of the scientists working with Banner is Hank McCoy. At one point Gen. Ross, an outspoken anti-mutant bigot, rants about mutants to McCoy, not knowing what he is. Later on Hank transforms into Beast in an unsuccessful attempt to stop the Hulk.

Iron Man 2 – No changes

Thor – After Jane Foster’s research is confiscated, Selvig mentions “Dr. McCoy” and “Dr. MacTaggert” among those who have also had things confiscated.

X2: X-Men United – Mention is made of SHIELD’s inability to stop Nightcrawler from entering the White House. Later, in the President’s office, SHIELD agents are present.

Captain America: The First Avenger – During Cap’s USO tours, a boy with wavy brown hair can be seen alongside a girl with grey eyes and blonde hair in one audience. At one point Red Skull mentions “Klaus Schmidt”, a contemporary of his. During the montage of defeated HYDRA bases, Steve can be seen rescuing a young, dark-haired boy, who holds and frequently manipulates a coin.

The Avengers – During the battle with the Chitauri, a very brief cameo can be seen of two mutants (Jubilee and Cannonball) fighting back using their powers. In the aftermath montage, Professor X is seen being interviewed on the battle.

Phase Two

Iron Man 3 – Mutants Sunfire and Sunspot are mentioned to have been used in the Extremis development process. Extremis attacks are at one point wrongly said to be mutant terrorist attacks.

X-Men: First Class – A fledgling SHIELD is seen attempting to stop the Crisis along with the CIA. Captain America comic books can be seen in a few scenes. Charles brings up “the man who rescued you” (Captain America) while attempting to convince Erik that humanity has redemptive qualities.

Thor: The Dark World – No changes

X-Men: Days of Future Past – SHIELD is mentioned as potential buyers for the Sentinel technology and/or mutant DNA information. Logan, Charles, and Hank break Magneto out of prison with the help of a teenaged Gambit. During Magneto’s television broadcast, a boy with silver hair and a girl with red hair, both about twelve years old, are briefly seen watching.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier – Mention is made of the fact that very few agents of SHIELD are mutants. Col. Stryker is revealed to have been affiliated with HYDRA. Sam Wilson is brought down early by the Winter Soldier, causing Steve and Natasha to enlist the help of mutants Archangel and Siryn. When the cloaking technology used by Natasha is removed from her face, it flashes blue, hinting that Mystique may have been involved in its creation.

Guardians of the Galaxy – No changes

Avengers: Age of Ultron – Unknown

***

And that's how I think it should, ideally, be. Of course, it probably won't ever end up being this way. But that's not gonna stop me from dreaming!

What do you think? Could the X-Men be even more involved in the Avengers storyline(s)? Or is it actually better that the two franchises have been kept apart? You tell me!

See you next time!

X-Men: Days of Future Past

*Warning: Unmarked spoilers may follow. Viewer discretion is advised.*

So, a while back we went to see X-Men: Days of Future Past. And by 'we', I mean me, and my sister, and my mom. And it was... interesting. I liked it, but it wasn't my favorite. Thinking back on it, there were ways it could have better. And yet I liked it. It had some genuinely good parts, and some parts that made me bounce up and down in my seat going "That was so cool!"

But, as stated, it also had some not-so-good parts. So today I'm doing a dual post. It's both a review and a how-it-should-have-gone speculation-type thing. We'll see how it ends up. Anyway, here goes.

***

Bouncing-up-and-down-in-your-seat-going-"That was so cool!" Moments:

• Blink. Everything with Blink. 
• Quicksilver. Everything with Quicksilver. 
• Most of the fight scenes in general, really. As stated, Blink and Quicksilver were very fun, but I'd say this movie had some of the most visually appealing fight scenes since The Avengers. 
• The breaking-Magneto-out-of-prison scene. The whole scene. It was quite possibly my favorite part of the entire movie. 
• Magneto simultaneously
  - holding up a reel of film
  - holding up a makeshift lens to project the film with, and
  - sewing up a wound in the back of his head
  all with his powers, and all without breaking a sweat. Seriously. It's awesome. 
• Magneto lifting a baseball stadium off the ground and flying with it all the way to the White House. 
• Most, if not all, of Mystique's fight scenes. 

Good/Favorite Moments:

• A bit of dialogue in the middle of the film between Mystique and an unsuspecting nurse. The two of them are watching a news broadcast about a "mutant attack" on a summit in Paris, while the nurse bandages up a wound (which Mystique sustained at said "attack"). The nurse makes a few pitying comments about the "blue woman" seen in the report, not knowing that she is tending and speaking to that same woman. And for a minute, when she replies, we see Mystique as she is when she's not being a villain. It's... nice. 
• Wolverine helping past-Charles Xavier find it in himself to overcome the pain of being a telepath. Well, overcome might not be the right word... ah, I won't spoil it here by trying to explain it. If you see or have seen the movie, though, you'll get what I'm saying. 
• Charles trying, repeatedly, to get through to Mystique and set her on a different path than the villainous one she's following. You can see that he still cares about her, a lot, but their relationship has/had its flaws and they have to work through that, too. Although, really, I don't think that relationship got nearly enough screen time. 
• The end, where Wolverine wakes up and the dismal future has been erased. Xavier's school is back to normal, and let me tell you, it's one of those "so-heartwarming-it's-almost-ridiculous" scenes. Rogue, Iceman (who previous died on-screen), Kitty Pryde, and Beast show up. Even Jean Grey and Cyclops, who died earlier on in the series, make appearances. Overall it's quite the happy ending. 

"Meh" Moments:

• Listening to Professor X talk for minutes on end at the beginning of the film. I like Professor X as much as the next person, but I did not sit down in that theater to listen to him talk. And talk. And talk. Even though it was stuff I needed know, it still didn't sit well. 
• Wolverine in the mansion trying to talk past-Charles into helping him. I mean, that scene had its funny bits (Wolverine vs. Beast, anybody?) but overall it was kind of... eh. 
• All the death scenes. All of them. (Though I'm not sure which category this should go in, so... it'll go in both. See the "bad/least favorite" section.)
• Everything from "Magneto-on-the-Sentinel-train" on. I'll explain why in a moment. 
• Surprisingly, the post-credits scene was this. I actually had to do research to figure out who the guy at the very end was. So instead of being wowed and excited, the way I was with the post-credits scene in the recent Captain America, I was sitting there thinking "Who is this guy, and what does he have to do with anything?"

Bad/Least Favorite Moments:

• As stated above, the death scenes. They were... graphic. I mean, there wasn't a lot of blood or guts flying around, but there was a lot of dying. Mutants are stabbed, incinerated, stabbed, torn in half, stabbed, exploded, stabbed and thrown off a cliff, frozen, and non-lethally stabbed... in no particular order. PG-13 movie violence doesn't generally bother me, but this movie gets a special mention for the sheer amount of death scenes it had. Surprisingly, though, none of these scenes were the worst part of the movie for me. That "honor" goes to...
• ...a short moment at the beginning where a horde of corpses spills out of a tunnel. Call it trivial, but that moment was the single most unnerving part of the movie for me. No lie. 
• The climax wasn't particularly astounding for me, either (other than that bit where Magneto lifts the stadium). But that's an entirely different matter. In fact, it brings me to...

How X-Men: Days of Future Past Could Have Been Better

As Marvel movies go, Days of Future Past was pretty good. But it wasn't amazing, and it definitely didn't outdo Captain America: The Winter Soldier (which I have also reviewed here). And one of my major bones to pick was how the climax of the movie ended up playing out. 

For one thing, I was confused about exactly what Magneto was doing for a while after he went rogue. Him lifting up the stadium was one of my favorite visuals, but I had no idea why he was doing it. I was thinking "Huh? What? Why is he doing that? Is he still with the team?" pretty much right up until he decided he wanted to kill the president. 

And that's another thing. 

The entire point of Wolverine going back in time was to prevent mutants being validated as a threat. Mutants aren't validated as a threat, there in no Sentinal program, and everyone lives happily ever after. Then the climax happened. Frankly, I do not see how Magneto dropping a stadium ON THE WHITE HOUSE and then giving his mutant-supremacy spiel ON LIVE TELEVISION failed to validate mutants as a threat. If I were one of those administrators who just got threatened by a crazy shapeshifter and metalbender, I'd be darn ready to have a look at those Sentinels, and I'm not kidding when I say that. I mean, sure, Charles prevented Mystique from killing Trask. But I wouldn't have been surprised if Magneto's actions had invalidated that entirely. 

Finally, I'd like point out an interesting idea. 

This trailer for the movie seems to imply that Wolverine and Charles would be teaming up with Magneto and Mystique. In the movie, Mystique is actually the primary antagonist. (And yet another movie falls prey to Misleading Trailer Syndrome.) But I ask you: what if Mystique had joined the team?

That might've brought Trask to the forefront as a major villain. As it was, he was a bit lackluster. I mean, sure, he did terrible stuff and no one really blamed Mystique for wanting to kill him... but Mystique was the one who had to be stopped in the end. Not him. 

Now, if Mystique had teamed up with Wolverine and Co., Trask would've been the main villain. He might've gotten more character development. Mystique's skill set would've been added to the group, and there would have been even more tension--because now it's not only Charles and Erik who need to work together, but also Raven, and none of these three particularly like each other after everything that's happened.

It's an interesting idea, I think.

Conclusion:

As I already said, Days of Future Past was okay, but not the best Marvel movie ever. It had highs, lows, and "meh" moments. If you're a hardcore X-Men fan, you won't mind paying to see it in the theater; if you're not, go see Maleficent and then watch this one when it hits Redbox or Netflix. 

Overall, this movie garnered exactly three stars:

***

This has been yet another review with me, AJ. Stay tuned to read about whatever I write about next. Or leave. I mean, you could leave, but I'd rather you didn't. So... please don't?

Anyway, thanks for reading, and don't forget to leave a comment with any questions, critiques, or thoughts! Bye!

Suspension of Disbelief is Great, But There Are Still a Few Sci-Fi Explanations That I Will Never Use

So I recently went to see Captain America: The Winter Soldier again. And it was great--awesome, in fact--but that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

Today I'm here to talk about one of the previews that accompanied the movie.

I won't go into the details, but basically it was appeared to be a dark sci-fi action type of movie. The premise was, more or less, "Humans only use 10% of their brains, so what happens when someone unlocks more of their potential?"

Which is great, and all that, except... "Humans only use 10% of their brains" is a myth.

Humans actually use 100% of their brains, though different parts are active at different times. Actually, using every part of your brain all at once is generally called a seizure.

So that brings me to my topic for today: "Top 5 Sci-Fi Explanations That I Will Never Use In a Book".

5) "Gamma radiation is capable of causing helpful mutations"

Um... no, actually, I'm pretty sure that gamma radiation in high doses just kills you. According to Wikipedia, it can also burn you, cause DNA damage, kill cells (because of said DNA damage), and cause radiation sickness.

And contrary to popular belief, damaged DNA doesn't give you superpowers either. Actually, that brings me to #4...

4) "Helpful genetic mutations exist"

No, actually, they don't. 99% of known mutations are very harmful, sometimes even lethal. And the only helpful mutations documented are those that provide heightened levels of immunity to diseases.

Sorry, X-Men.

3) "The spaceship has a lightspeed drive/can go the speed of light"

Do you have any idea just how fast light goes? In case you were wondering, it's 299,792,458 meters per second. That's 186,000 miles per second (with some rounding), or about 671 million miles per hour. Additionally, we in the early 21st century have no idea how to replicate anything close to that speed. Sorry, but I'm not buying it.

Side note: I will, however, accept the "relativistic speeds" explanation used by Orson Scott Card in Ender's Game. That's based on an actual theory, and it doesn't imply or state that humans are trying to go the speed of light.

2) "This galaxy just happens to have [insert number here] Earth-like planets"

This one sounds good initially, but wait a second. Earth is, quite literally, one-in-a-million. Earth has just the right star, just the right placement, just the right tilt, just the right rotation, just the right moon, just the right orbit speed... I could go on, but you've probably gotten the idea. I can't remember the exact chances of Earth's specific qualities randomly occurring, but they're pretty freaking low. We haven't even found water on any other planet, and most planets are downright hostile to the mere idea of "life".

I'm not saying you can't have Earth-like planets, but I'd just like to point out that the vast majority of planets aren't going to be Earth-like. At. All. And there will probably be a limit of one Earth-like planet per solar system, since there's only one specific distance that a planet can be from the sun to keep from burning up or freezing.

In short, if you have an Earth-like planet, chances are every other planet in the system will be hostile, to some degree. So can we be realistic about it, please? (Star Wars, I'm looking at you.)

1) "The characters are in trouble because the starship ran out of fuel"

So why isn't the ship still moving?

Space is a void. It has no air, no friction, and no gravity (unless you manage to hit the gravitational pull of a planet or other large body). In space, Newton's first law of motion applies quite literally: An object at rest tends to remain at rest; an object in motion tends to remain in motion, unless an outside force acts against it.

Get something moving in space and it won't stop, unless you happen to hit an asteroid or something like that. A spaceship doesn't actually need all that much fuel--it just needs enough to get it moving. The real problems are a) the amount of time it takes to get anywhere worthwhile in space, and b) the amount of food a human crew would need to get anywhere worthwhile in space (hence the "light drive" and "relativistic speeds" explanations).

On the upside, though, this does mean that there's no need for gas stations in space...

------

And there you have it. 

Please note: I'm not trying to spoil anyone's fun when it comes to science fiction/superhero stories/whatever. I'm not. Really. I do enjoy The Avengers, even though they have a gamma monster on the team. I haven't had a chance to get into the X-Men yet, but I'd like to, even though they violate Rule #4 (like, a lot). I'm even a fan of Star Wars, even though they've pretty wantonly laid waste to Rules 1-3. So I'm not trying to ruin anything for anyone. I'm just... venting, I guess. Sorry.

But I can promise you that I'm never going to use "genetic mutation" as an origin story. So there.