So this is what comes of having siblings who debate about Santa. Or, rather, this is what comes of so much as hearing someone debate how Santa does what he does. Since there's often little telling how my brain works, I'll spare you the details and simply record here what I thought of when my siblings began asking, "Just how does Santa make it to every home in the world in one night?"
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Theory #1: Santa is a mutant
How else do you think he can travel all around the world in one night? Either his power is time reversal/time slowing, in which case Santa could be doing a lot more than just delivering presents on one night out of 365. OR Santa's mutant power is super speed. But then his reindeer would have to be superfast mutants, too, and I'm not sure how that would work.
Alternatively...
Theory #2: Santa is Quicksilver
Super speed. Naturally white/silver hair. Questionable activities in his youth, leading to a desire to do good in his old age. Need I say more?
Theory #3: Santa is the Flash
Though I can't imagine why the Flash would be doing this in his old age. The Quicksilver theory fits much better. Next?
Theory #4: Santa works for the CIA
Come on--you know you've wondered about this yourself. He sees you when you're sleeping? He knows when you're awake? He knows when you've been bad or good... so be good for goodness's sake.
Come on. This guy is downright creepy. And who's better known for creepy, invasive policies than the CIA?
Theory #5: Santa works for the NSA
See above.
Theory #6: "Santa" is actually an army of clones.
Unlike most clone armies, "Santa Claus" (actually thousands of identical clones) is dedicated to doing good. Every year on December 25, thousands upon thousands of these clones descend upon the households of the world to leave presents and eat cookies and milk. Then they retreat to the North Pole to await the next Christmas.
Theory #7: Santa Claus is a legend made up to explain the inexplicable appearance of flying sleighs on Christmas Eve.
Where do these sleighs come from? Where are they going? Why? We don't actually know the answer to any of these questions, but we have to tell the kids something. "Santa Claus" seems as good a fib as any.
Theory #8: Santa Claus is a legend made up by parents to explain why Christmas is in December.
When asked why Christmas is held in December, most parents don't have an answer that makes sense. The story of Santa Claus is a welcome diversion. Admittedly, nothing about the legend of Santa makes sense, either, but it's entertaining enough to distract the kiddies from their original question. And it has the added bonus of presenting an empty threat to try and get kids to behave for the last month of the year. What's to dislike?
And finally...
Theory #9: Santa Claus is a story spread by the real St. Nicholas to cover up the fact that he's still alive and doing good deeds.
St. Nicholas is, overall, a stand-up guy. He's generous, loves to share, and doesn't even want a lot of fame or recognition in return. Also, by this point he would be over 1,800 years old. No one that old wants to be bothered by reporters and government agencies asking how he's lived this long. So he started a rumor about a magical old man who travels the world and delivers presents on Christmas Eve. This story has successful diverted world resources and questions away from St. Nicholas, allowing him to go on doing good in secret.
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So what do you think? Does Santa work for the NSA? Does he really have super powers? Does he even exist at all?
The world may never know...
Thanks for reading! ¡Feliz Navidad!
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