What Not To Do

Or, Fictional Stuff that Really Ticks Me Off.

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Well, I wanted to start a series of reviews for books and movies I like, but since I'm on vacation that'll have to wait. So instead, you lovely people get a rant.

Also, I'm on my tablet, so feel free to point out any typos you see.

Anyway. On we go. (Links will be provided when appropriate.)

1) Female warriors with waist-length hair.

Tauriel as she appears in Peter Jackson's
The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow,
as seen in The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes

This one is first because it really bothers me.

To start, I'm going to say a few things about myself. I'm a girl, so my hair is long but not really long. A few inches past my shoulders, at the longest. I keep it in a ponytail 90% of the time because it gets in the way if I keep it down. If I happen to be playing a sport or running around for some reason,  I'll definitely put it up, or even braid it.

So tell me: where is the logic in having loose waist-length hair if you're consistently going to be in a high-risk combat situation?

Answer: there isn't any. Hair that long could very easily get tangled, pulled, yanked out, caught on something, etc. Ever heard the story of Absalom? In case you haven't, he died because his long hair got caught on a tree branch, allowing him to be overtaken and killed.

Killed.

My Solution: Braid. Your. Hair. You want to look attractive and actiony? Well, that's asking for a lot, but that's a different blog. The point is, braid your hair. You get to keep it, and as a bonus it won't endanger you by getting caught so easily.

2) Gamma radiation is not a one-way ticket to super powers.

"That much gamma exposure should've killed you."

–Tony Stark on Bruce Banner's transformation into the Hulk (The Avengers, 2012)

This one came up because of two episodes the Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes series. The basic premise is this: a super-intelligent supervillain plots to take over the world (yawn) by enveloping the entire planet in a dome of gamma radiation, thus turning everyone inside into monsters.

Well, hate to break it to ya, Mr. "Leader" (I'm not kidding. That's his name.), but that would just kill everyone. Really. It would only be you and all those other weirdos from the specialized gamma radiation prison. Because you see, the sad reality is this: gamma radiation doesn't really turn people into monsters. It just... kills them.

I can hear the skeptics now. But you don't have any problem with the Hulk, and HE'S a gamma monster! Explain that one!

Alright, I will.

The thing is, Bruce Banner is one person. One person out of―I don't know―7 trillion people? And I'm willing to believe that that one person might have a specific genetic anomaly that might coincide with a specific level of gamma radiation to create the Hulk.

I am not willing to believe that it'll work for everyone.

My Solution: Um... I got nothing. Just don't use this backstory more than once, I guess.

3) Is it just me, or are humans the least developed, least advanced species ever to exist?

This one I'm dividing into fantasy and sci-fi, since it applies to both.

Fantasy:

Here you have elves (in tune with nature, awesome fighters, or both), dwarves (long-lived, sometimes with earth powers or metal-working powers to boot), dragons (They can breathe fire. 'Nuff said.), and any other fantasy creature you might want (including but not limited to: fairies, gnomes, orcs, hobbits, and shapeshifters). Whichever way you go, you've almost always got creatures that are more powerful, more long-lived, and generally all-around cooler.

Sci-Fi:

There tends to be more freedom of imagination here, but the basics are the same―nonhumans have longevity, six or seven senses, two brains, the ability to regenerate limbs, etc. Whereas humans are just... humans. Additionally, any extraterrestrials usually have technology that blows ours out of the water. 

Now, if you'll notice, the only thing all these fictional species tend to have in common is that they're all, to some degree, better than humans.

Now, I can see where the writers are coming from from their standpoint―if I'm going to use a nonhuman I might as well make them cool, and also different enough to be called nonhuman. But from a fictional standpoint, this is downright embarrassing. Because basically, if you're a human, you're automatically at a disadvantage.

My Solution: Either give the humans some unique abilities of their own, or limit the elves/dragons/shapeshifters/whatever.

4) Contrary to popular belief, it can be extremely hard to learn a new language.

The most egregious offender I know of for this one is probably Eragon. Not only did the titular protagonist learn to read in a week, he also learned a magical second language with minimal fuss or difficulty.

That is not the way things work, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm currently five months into a study of Latin, and I am no conversationalist in that tongue. I have a long way to go. Additionally, I'm in my early teens, and as far as I know my ability to learn a language is already declining. The protagonist of Eragon is two years older than me.

My Solution: For the love of StarClan, be realistic about these things. Don't make it easy, because it's not.

5) There is a thin line between "letting your heroes get off scot free" and "using every other character to blame the heroes for the collateral damage".

For that matter, there's also a line between "having everyone shower your heroes with praise" and "having everyone ignore the heroes... even after they've saved the world".

This is something My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic tends to err in. The Mane Six have saved the world three times (four if you count the Equestia Girls movie, which I don't). Yet we see in multiple episodes that no one seems to know who they are.

Superhero movies also tend to mess up with this. One of the things I like about the 2012 Avengers movie is that it shows a healthy balance here. Sure, some people are asking questions and wondering why the Avengers had to destroy half of New York in their battle. But others are thankful and frankly that's refreshing.

Actually, this leads me to another point...

6) Slandering the guy who can warp the fabric of atomic energy is a BAD IDEA.

Sure, some heroes will do the right thing and keep on saving people, even when they get no respect in return. Sure, some heroes will put up with all the verbal abuse. Some, on the other hand, wouldn't and won't.

Think about it, Mr. Outspoken Newspaper Editor. Do you really want a world where Generic-Man decides to quit his job because he can't catch a break? Do you really want some savvy villain to take advantage of your lies?

Heck, if I were a superhero getting razzed by the local newspaper, I might take a stroll over there and give 'em a piece of my mind. I might even fry some stuff. Sure, Spiderman and Captain America might put up with it, but I'll bet you Iron Man and Thor wouldn't.

My Solution: You don't need to eradicate J. Jonah Jameson and his ilk. They need scapegoats. I get it. That's always been a problem. But please, at least show the people who do care and are thankful. I know they exist, so give them a voice. (This also applies to #5.)

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And there you have it. Some of the things that majorly bother me, and how they can be avoided. Next blog will be a review, I promise.

A Short PSA: Thanks to a quick bit of tinkering, anonymous comments are now enabled, meaning you can comment without needing a Google account. Just thought I'd mention it.